The best marriage advice I never received

As I was sitting watching the sealing ceremony of my wife's cousin last week, my mind began to think of what I thought was good marriage advice.  I remember getting advice when I was getting married.  I heard things like "just love each other" and "happy wife, happy life."

I've had time to reflect on things that I thought are important for me and that help me have a successful marriage.  I used to think that any two people could have a successful marriage if they loved each other enough and wanted it enough.  Now I think that both people have to not only want it enough but they have to know how to control their behaviors and their words.  They not only have to love their spouse, they have to know how to show that love. 

Here are a few things that I think are great helps in having a successful marriage.  This is the best marriage advice that I've never received.

1. Put the other person first - (most of the time).  This could also be called "pick your battles" but I like giving it a more positive name.  Think about your spouse.  Think about them putting you first.  They make a special meal because they know you like it, they fold your clothes because they know you don't like to, they put the kids to bed because they know you've had a rough day.  Wouldn't that be a great day?  It's not easy to put the other person first all the time.  We are naturally selfish.  Do you pick the best looking piece of steak at dinner, or let your spouse pick?  Although it's not easy to try and put your spouse first, here is something that helps: If your spouse is trying to put you first.  When you are both trying to make each other happy, you are perpetuating a virtuous cycle.  The more nice things you do for your spouse, the more nice things they will want to do for you.  This can create a positive, loving home. 

There is however a caveat to putting your spouse first.  If something is really important to you, speak up.  It is okay to think of yourself every once and a while.  If you really need your daily workout to keep yourself sane, tell your spouse how important it is to you.  Another caveat is if your spouse always puts themselves first, and you always put them first, you are always last.  Don't let them walk all over you, or you will come to resent them. 

2. Compromise - Compromise is closely related.  Being in a marriage is different than being single.  You and your spouse need to be willing to compromise.  It's okay if your wife makes mashed potatoes differently than your mom does or if your husband wants to put the glasses in a different cupboard than your parents do.  Compromise and find something that works for both of you.  You now share everything so you need to be willing to compromise.  If you are having a hard time compromising, go back and read #1 and try to put your spouse first.

3. Make your own traditions - You and your spouse grew up in different families with different traditions.  Holidays can be a hectic time when you are trying to visit both families and follow each of your parent's traditions.  Make the holidays less stressful by compromising and making your own traditions. You have created a new family so make some new traditions together.

4. Show Appreciation - If your spouse is trying to put you first and compromising, there are going to be many things to show appreciation for.  Show appreciation in words and deeds.  Show appreciation for a good meal by saying "thank you," complimenting how great it tastes and by doing the dishes.  Give compliments freely and show appreciation often.

5. It's okay to disagree, not to fight - Growing up in different families with different traditions and ways of doing things, you are not always going to agree on everything and that is okay.  It's okay if you disagree.  The big difference between a disagreement and a fight are your emotions.  The moment a disagreement comes up, silly things can seem important, you can lose your temper, say things you don’t mean, dig in your heals and a disagreement can turn into a fight. 

Instead of fighting, figure out what works to calm yourself down.  Take a walk, count to 10, do what it takes to get your emotions in check so you can have a conversation rather than a fight.  Use "I" statements instead of "You" statements.

Example
"You" Statement:  "You never pick up your dirty clothes!"

"I" Statement:  "I feel unappreciated when dirty clothes are left on the floor, it would mean a lot to me if you would put dirty clothes in the hamper."

Maybe that's not a perfect example but you get the idea.  "You" statements put your partner on the defensive and don't tell them what action needs to be taken.  Think about the two statements and about which one you would rather hear from  your partner.

6. Speak up
This was mentioned a little earlier, but it is important to speak up about things that are important to you.  Your partner cannot read your mind.  If something is important to you don't be subtle.  If you keep quiet, you may start to resent your partner for making decisions that don't take into account your feelings.  When you don't express those feelings, it is impossible for your partner to take those into account.

I'm no marriage expert but these things have helped me have a successful relationship.  This is by no means a complete list but I things using this advise could certainly help.

Prayer and Missionary Work

I was looking through some old emails and I was reminded of an experience I had in college.  I had just returned from a 2 year mission for The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints in Brazil and was back at college in the US.  I was running some errands and had to get my bike tuned up.  The bike shop said it would take half an hour so I went to walk around the waterfront area of the college town I lived in.

I came to a fountain and decided to sit down. I saw a guy there reading the bible. I had a feeling that I should go talk to him but I was a little nervous since I hadn't talked to anyone about the church in English in 2 years.

I decided to pray. I said basically if I am supposed to talk to this guy, get him to come sit over here and talk to me. When I opened my eyes there he was. He introduced himself and asked if I believed in the bible. I said yes. He asked if I was a believer and I said I guess you could say that. He had a pamphlet talking about how we can believe in The Bible.  I told him what church I belong to and then he said "so you already went on a mission and everything?" I said yeah and he asked where. I told him I had served in Brazil and he asked what part. Most Americans aren't super aware of geography in Brazil except for maybe where Rio de Janeiro or Sao Paulo is. He told me that he helped open a church in Recefe. and he lived there for 2 years.

He asked lots of questions about The Church, Joseph Smith and The Book of Mormon. We talked a bit and I was having trouble talking about the Gospel in English. It told him that I have a lot more scriptures memorized in Portuguese so he said I could speak Portuguese because he speaks it too. So we talked for half an hour in Portuguese about The Church The Bible and all his questions. Although he didn't agree with all my answers, I was able to clear up several things he understood wrong about The Church, Joseph Smith, Brigham Young and some of the doctrines of The Church.  I invited him to church and told him where the closest building was.

I asked what time it was and he said he didn't know but had to go. We both left and when I turned around, I saw him talking to someone else about the bible.

Although I never saw him visit church, It was a really good experience and I was happy to be able to answer a lot of his questions that he had not been able to ask a member of our church before.  It was even more fun that weeks after I got home from my mission to Brazil, I was able to use my Portuguese to talk to another American about the Gospel.

Desire

General conference of The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-Day Saints this Spring was in early April.  One of the talks that I enjoyed was a talk by Elder Dallin H. Oaks of the Quorum of the Twelve Apostles.  He spoke on Desire.  Right at the beginning of his address, he said something that stuck with me.  He said “Desires dictate our priorities, priorities shape our choices, and choices determine our actions. The desires we act on determine our changing, our achieving, and our becoming.”

Elder Oaks gave examples of desires that dictate our actions.  Some basic desires we have are a desire for food, shelter, and sleep.  These desires can be overridden by stronger desires.  Like the desire to fast can override our desire to eat, the desire to fulfill a Boy Scout requirement can override the desire for shelter, and the desire to fulfill our duty can override our desire to sleep. 

Elder Oaks tells a story about a man in the Korean War to illustrate his point of overriding the desire to sleep.  I can think of many other desires that have overridden my desire for sleep.  In high school I pulled an all nighter to finish a project for my English class.  My desire to keep my job overrides my desire to sleep every weekday.

 Elder Oaks’ quote makes sense.  “Desires dictate our priorities…”  It’s easy to see how we naturally shift our priorities according to our desires.  “…priorities shape our choices…”  We make choices depending on our priorities.  Whatever priority is higher, we choose.  When the weather is nice, my desire to go for a run usually overrides my desire to clean my house.  That shifts my priorities and shapes my choice.  “…choices determine our actions.”  When I make the choice to go running, then I get out the door and hit the trail.  That choice determines my actions.

Elder Oaks says “We should remember that righteous desires cannot be superficial, impulsive, or temporary.  They must be heartfelt, unwavering, and permanent.  So motivated, we will seek for that condition described by the Prophet Joseph Smith, where we have ‘overcome the evils of [our lives] and lost every desire for sin.’”

The stronger our desires for righteousness are, the less we desire to sin.  King Benjamin in the Book of Mormon asked his people if they believed the words he taught them about the coming of The Savior and the Atonement.  In Mosiah 5:2 they respond saying “…Yea, we believe all the words which thou hast spoken unto us; and also, we know of their surety and truth, because of the Spirit of the Lord Omnipotent, which has wrought a mighty change in us, or in our hearts, that we have no more disposition to do evil, but to do good continually.”

At the end of his address, Elder Oaks adds on to his previous statement.  He says “Let us remember that desires dictate our priorities, priorities shape our choices, and choices determine our actions. In addition, it is our actions and our desires that cause us to become something, whether a true friend, a gifted teacher, or one who has qualified for eternal life.”

Answers To Prayer

I have known people throughout my life that have struggled with getting answers to prayer.  What did it really feel like?  Was that really an answer? 

The Lord promises that if we sincerely ask, with faith and real intent, he will answer.  This promise is found in Moroni 10 in the Book of Mormon.

And when ye shall receive these things, I would exhort you that ye would ask God, the Eternal Father, in the name of Christ, if these things are not true; and if ye shall ask with a sincere heart, with real intent, having faith in Christ, he will manifest the truth of it unto you, by the power of the Holy Ghost.

 And by the power of the Holy Ghost ye may know the truth of all things

President Boyd K. Packer said: “The Holy Ghost speaks with a voice that you feel more than you hear. … While we speak of ‘listening’ to the whisperings of the Spirit, most often one describes a spiritual prompting by saying, ‘I had a feeling… This voice of the Spirit speaks gently, prompting you what to do or what to say, or it may caution or warn you.” (Ensign, Nov 1994, 60.)

If you feel like you have not received an answer to a prayer.  Richard G. Scott counsels us to “carefully look for evidence in your own life of His having already answered you.

To help each of us recognize answers given, the Lord said: 'If you desire a further witness, cast your mind upon the night that you cried unto me in your heart, that you might know concerning the truth of these things.

Did I not speak peace to your mind concerning the matter?'" (D&C 6:22–23; italics added). (Richard G. Scott, "Learning to Recognize Answers to Prayer", Ensign, Nov. 1989, 30).

The Lord can answer prayers with feelings of peace, a burning, a stupor of thought, or through other people.  Sometimes he withholds an answer.

Elder Scott explains “When He withholds an answer, it is to have us grow through faith in Him, obedience to His commandments, and a willingness to act on truth. We are expected to assume accountability by acting on a decision that is consistent with His teachings without prior confirmation. We are not to sit passively waiting or to murmur because the Lord has not spoken. We are to act.”

Back when I was 19,  I was taking the Temple Preparation classes on Sunday afternoons.  One Sunday afternoon as I was driving home after the class a thought came into my head.  I should go visit Caroline.  Caroline was a girl in my ward who was a year older than me.  Since we didn’t have a lot of youth in my ward I knew all of the youth pretty well.  I had never randomly showed up at her house but decided to this day.

I showed up and she answered the door.  Her parents and her sisters weren’t there so we sat in the living room and just talked.  I don’t remember it being a particularly enlightening conversation but we had a good conversation and I went home.

A few days later I received and email from her.  She told me that I was an answer to her prayer.  Surprised, I continued reading.  She told me that she was having a really bad day.  No one was home and she was feeling like no one cared about her.  She decided to pray and ask for comfort.  She knelt down and said a prayer.  Right after she concluded her prayer, a knock came at the door.  There I was on her doorstep not knowing what had just happened and not knowing that she was feeling lonely.  She told me that talking to me made her feel comforted and loved.

To me, that was a very powerful email.  To me it felt impossible that was just a coincidence.  The Lord had used me to answer a prayer and comfort someone.  I had no idea it was going on at the time.  I am very grateful that Caroline wrote me that email and decided to share that with me.  It turned a random visit to a friend into a very profound experience for me and greatly strengthened my testimony of prayer.

 Throughout my life I’ve had many answers to prayers.  Sometimes the questions were as simple as: “I can’t find something important, please help me find it”, to questions as life changing as “is this the girl?  Should I ask her to marry me?”  Sometimes the answer was a thought and a feeling, sometimes I found what I was looking for when I thought I had looked everywhere, or sometimes it was just a feeling of peace when I was feeling overwhelmed with a decision. 

Other times I’ve had prayers go unanswered or I didn’t listen to the answer I received.  I know that Heavenly Father loves us.  He knows us individually.  He gives us the answers we need when we ask with faith, sincerity, and real intent. 

*This is a lesson I put together for a recent Home Evening Group.  One of the people who attended sent me the following email the next day: "Your lesson last night was really good and touched on so many things I have been thinking about the past few days.  You brought a wonderful spirit to our FHE and I appreciate your time and effort!  You were an answer to my prayers!"

Unity

A few weeks ago I sat in Sacrament Meeting in the Singles Ward I usually attend. It was High Counsel Sunday meaning two members of the Stake High Counsel were addressing us. One of the speakers was talking about unity and he related the following story. (This is paraphrased)

“When I was in high school I played on the basketball team. We had 3 players on that team that were recruited to play college basketball. Despite having exceptional talent, our team lost more games than we won.
As a student at BYU I regularly played basketball on one of the courts on campus. One day I overheard a few students talking about some BYU professors that they had played earlier that day. The three professors who were all over 50 dominated.

The next semester in my English class the professor made it known that if anyone liked to play basketball, he and two other professors like to play every day at noon at one of the courts on campus and were always looking for a challenge. I went down to that court one day and got a few guys who looked like they knew how to play to come with me to challenge the professors.

We could run faster, jump higher and play longer than the professors but they easily won. What was the difference between these three professors and my high school basketball team? The professors had played together for 20 years. They knew each other’s weaknesses and strengths. They knew where the other ones were going to be and they worked together.

My high school team had a lot of talent but they didn’t work together. Some players were more interested in their individual stats than the good of the team. There were ball hogs and certain players they would never pass the ball to.”

Even if we don't have the most talent. The more united we are in a purpose, the stronger we will be.