The best marriage advice I never received

As I was sitting watching the sealing ceremony of my wife's cousin last week, my mind began to think of what I thought was good marriage advice.  I remember getting advice when I was getting married.  I heard things like "just love each other" and "happy wife, happy life."

I've had time to reflect on things that I thought are important for me and that help me have a successful marriage.  I used to think that any two people could have a successful marriage if they loved each other enough and wanted it enough.  Now I think that both people have to not only want it enough but they have to know how to control their behaviors and their words.  They not only have to love their spouse, they have to know how to show that love. 

Here are a few things that I think are great helps in having a successful marriage.  This is the best marriage advice that I've never received.

1. Put the other person first - (most of the time).  This could also be called "pick your battles" but I like giving it a more positive name.  Think about your spouse.  Think about them putting you first.  They make a special meal because they know you like it, they fold your clothes because they know you don't like to, they put the kids to bed because they know you've had a rough day.  Wouldn't that be a great day?  It's not easy to put the other person first all the time.  We are naturally selfish.  Do you pick the best looking piece of steak at dinner, or let your spouse pick?  Although it's not easy to try and put your spouse first, here is something that helps: If your spouse is trying to put you first.  When you are both trying to make each other happy, you are perpetuating a virtuous cycle.  The more nice things you do for your spouse, the more nice things they will want to do for you.  This can create a positive, loving home. 

There is however a caveat to putting your spouse first.  If something is really important to you, speak up.  It is okay to think of yourself every once and a while.  If you really need your daily workout to keep yourself sane, tell your spouse how important it is to you.  Another caveat is if your spouse always puts themselves first, and you always put them first, you are always last.  Don't let them walk all over you, or you will come to resent them. 

2. Compromise - Compromise is closely related.  Being in a marriage is different than being single.  You and your spouse need to be willing to compromise.  It's okay if your wife makes mashed potatoes differently than your mom does or if your husband wants to put the glasses in a different cupboard than your parents do.  Compromise and find something that works for both of you.  You now share everything so you need to be willing to compromise.  If you are having a hard time compromising, go back and read #1 and try to put your spouse first.

3. Make your own traditions - You and your spouse grew up in different families with different traditions.  Holidays can be a hectic time when you are trying to visit both families and follow each of your parent's traditions.  Make the holidays less stressful by compromising and making your own traditions. You have created a new family so make some new traditions together.

4. Show Appreciation - If your spouse is trying to put you first and compromising, there are going to be many things to show appreciation for.  Show appreciation in words and deeds.  Show appreciation for a good meal by saying "thank you," complimenting how great it tastes and by doing the dishes.  Give compliments freely and show appreciation often.

5. It's okay to disagree, not to fight - Growing up in different families with different traditions and ways of doing things, you are not always going to agree on everything and that is okay.  It's okay if you disagree.  The big difference between a disagreement and a fight are your emotions.  The moment a disagreement comes up, silly things can seem important, you can lose your temper, say things you don’t mean, dig in your heals and a disagreement can turn into a fight. 

Instead of fighting, figure out what works to calm yourself down.  Take a walk, count to 10, do what it takes to get your emotions in check so you can have a conversation rather than a fight.  Use "I" statements instead of "You" statements.

Example
"You" Statement:  "You never pick up your dirty clothes!"

"I" Statement:  "I feel unappreciated when dirty clothes are left on the floor, it would mean a lot to me if you would put dirty clothes in the hamper."

Maybe that's not a perfect example but you get the idea.  "You" statements put your partner on the defensive and don't tell them what action needs to be taken.  Think about the two statements and about which one you would rather hear from  your partner.

6. Speak up
This was mentioned a little earlier, but it is important to speak up about things that are important to you.  Your partner cannot read your mind.  If something is important to you don't be subtle.  If you keep quiet, you may start to resent your partner for making decisions that don't take into account your feelings.  When you don't express those feelings, it is impossible for your partner to take those into account.

I'm no marriage expert but these things have helped me have a successful relationship.  This is by no means a complete list but I things using this advise could certainly help.